BY JEFF CORBETT

A friend of mine, an amateur photographer, was at a dinner party, and took along some prized photos to show the hostess.

“These are wonderful!” the hostess observed. “You must have a great camera.”

My friend made no comment, but later, as he was leaving, told her, “That was a fantastic meal! You must have some really good pots and pans.”

The hostess did not realize her unintentional insult to my friend. Attributing the fabulous photography to his camera instead of his sharp eye and expertise from his years of training turned a compliment into an insult.

His experience illustrates how poorly we give and receive compliments. A thoughtful compliment can truly brighten someone’s day. So let’s explore how to do it well.

Compliments vs. Flattery

What’s the difference?

Richard Stengel, in his book “You’re Too Kind: A Brief History of Flattery,” explains.

“Flattery is strategic praise, praise with a purpose. It may be inflated or exaggerated, or it may be accurate and truthful, but it is praise with a purpose.”

Instead of flattery, a compliment is what you share with someone to convey how you appreciate them, their behavior, character, or skills. True compliments have no hidden motives and they should never be given at the same time you are asking for something.

Compliments Empower

In “25 Ways to Win with People,” author John Maxwell shared the results of a study on a group of tired children by psychologist Henry H. Goddard.

When Goddard gave the children a compliment or some type of praise, they had a surge of energy. And when the children were criticized, their energy level went down.

Adults are no different.

The What/Why Technique

Alan Pease, in “Talk Language,” shares a way to greatly improve the compliments you give. This technique also shows your compliments are sincere, not flattery, because you also tell them why you like what you are complimenting.

Instead of “You’re a great helper,” how about, “You’re a great helper because you always anticipate what I need, sometimes before I realize I need it.”

Or, “I love your new outfit,” becomes “I love how you coordinate your red coat and blue slacks so well.” Yes, you complimented the clothing, but also their sense of style, taste, and fashion. That’s the power of a good compliment!

Compliment someone today using What and Why.

Receiving Compliments

Most of us are terrible at receiving compliments gracefully. When we diminish or deny them, we are questioning the judgment of the person giving it, while making ourselves seem ungrateful.

For example, a friend praises something you did, and you reply, “No, it was terrible. I didn’t prepare like I should have.”

If you do this, please stop.

In “Toward Communication Competency,” Susan Glaser suggests three excellent responses to your next compliment:

♦ Thanks.
♦ Thanks, plus a feeling (“I appreciate your telling me.”)
♦ Thanks, plus self-disclosure (“I worked hard on it.”)

When someone compliments my column, I thank them and tell them they are kind for saying so, or I’m glad they found it helpful, and appreciate them reading it.

Compliment Then Question

Here’s an especially effective way of complimenting shy folks, who may find receiving a compliment to be awkward, but this technique will work with anyone.

It’s also a great way to keep a conversation flowing, as the listener is expected to reply.

When you offer a compliment, you immediately follow it with a question. “I loved your solo at the Christmas concert. Are you a soloist very often?”

Lastly, consider giving third-person compliments, which really have an impact.

This is sharing a compliment you have heard about that person from someone else, and you are agreeing with that compliment; hence, you’re giving the recipient a double-whammy of praise.

“Helen said you could sing, and wow, was she right!”

Make giving compliments a daily part of your life. The world needs more kindness.

Mark Twain once said, “I can live two months on a good compliment.” Make it a habit to lift someone’s spirits with a compliment today — and every day!

Jeff Corbett is an experienced public speaker, meeting facilitator and sales/marketing professional. He lives in Statesville.